On Writing is a strange literary chimera, a hybrid of bald-faced personal memoir and blunt, text-bookish lessons on proper composition. When he's not unspooling his rags-to-Redrum career path — the liquor, the novels, that time a van left him crumpled and bleeding in a ditch — King's pulling back the curtain on what he sees as the tricks to good writing (keep the first draft to yourself, read a lot, study the... psalms of Strunk and White). He's certainly figured out what works for him; several of his major works start with a very simple, very conscious formula: Mix two things. High school outcast + telekinesis = Carrie. Possessed car + frustrated loner = Christine. Huge family dog + superbad strain of rabies = Cujo. It's a little more complicated, but that's the germ of it. On Writing also lays bare the most telling (and occasionally frustrating) facet of King's creative process: He hardly ever maps things out. Once you know this, that the author is along for the ride almost as much as the reader, you finally understand why so many of his plots are unpredictable and his conclusions so often run counter to known literary, thematic and cinematic blueprints. Kind of a ridiculous thing to say about a guy with so many "based on the novel by…" credits, but it's true. His plots usually don't build to glorious and meaningful climaxes; they end when the story's been told. Read by King himself, On Writing is a thoroughly entertaining and thought-provoking audiobook experience.

Can it be a movie?
Yeah, but I doubt it ever will. A story this personal and rooted in the real world, can only be done justice in an American Splendor sort of way, with the author playing himself. I see King stepping in and out of the main action to address the camera directly, and I see new stuff added, behind the scenes goings-on from the sets of Dreamcatcher, Pet Sematary, etc. Now, we've witnessed the man take on several bit parts on the big screen, and so far his acting proficiency ranks somewhere between Kevin Smith and Stan Lee. But he'd have to really have his heart in it to make this one work (and of course the title would have to go).

Worried that his name was a bigger seller than his storytelling, and frustrated because his publisher had him on a silly one-book-a-year regimen, Stephen King concocted the Richard Bachman nom de plume and started cranking out paperback originals. From the beginning — 1977's sickly prescient school-shooting novel Rage, which King has since lobbied to keep out of print — it was obvious Bachman was a different kind of horror author. "Dark-toned, despairing... even when he is laughing (despairing most when he's laughing, in fact), Richard Bachman isn't a fellow I'd want to be all the time," King writes in the intro to the audiobook version of 1979's The Long Walk. No kidding. This novel — about a government-sponsored contest that has 100 young men walking across the U.S. until 99 of them drop dead — is decidedly ambiguous in its morals, and contains no reassurances for readers that it's set in a just and sense-making world. It's way more Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery" than The Running Man (Bachman's 1982 gameshow-gone-nuts yarn that seems to foretell the rubbernecking reality TV era). The Long Walk is brilliant in its simplicity, introducing us to characters, some likeable, some not, and then running each of them into the ground regardless of how we feel about them.

Can it be a movie?
Well, sure. Not a blockbuster, mind you. Just a bleak indie psycho-thriller content with keeping its audience wonderfully bummed out (on par with the film adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's The Road, let's say). And it's possible The Long Walk will trudge onto the big screen one day; director Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption, The Mist, The Walking Dead) bought the rights back in 2007 and said he envisioned something low budget, with "a ragged and loose and documentary kind of feel." Sadly, that's the last we've heard about it.

Don't get me wrong — Cell runs with blood and is littered with corpses, and definitely belongs in the horror section — but it's also the closest Stephen King has ever come to straight-up science fiction. Almost cyberpunk, except not at all, really. The cock-eyed apocalypse adventure starts with most everybody getting a cell phone call that uploads a new operating system into their brains. First it turns them into animalistic psychos;... later they're more like douchey worker bees controlled by some unseen evil force. The lucky few who missed the call are hunted and converted and/or killed. So basically, it's like the Windows ME launch all over again.

Can it be a movie?
Oh, hell yeah. And now's a good time, too. While these baddies aren't straight-up zombies, they're probably close enough to cash in on modern pop culture's undying affinity for the undead. So let's do this — a mid-budget B-movie. Put out a call for blank-eyed extras! Summon a halfway decent CGI crew! Order 100 barrels of Karo syrup and red food coloring!

For such a hefty novel — the audiobook is (and don't be discouraged) 30 hours long — 11/23/63 is actually pretty straightforward. Present-day English teacher Jake Epping goes back to 1958 (via wormhole, or some such thing) and sets about thwarting the assassination of JFK. It sounds easy, but Jake quickly learns that "the past is obdurate" (English teachers. Am I right, people?), which basically means that history doesn't want to be... rewritten. All manner of setbacks and obstacles (a stomach virus, a car crash, a steady girlfriend) pop up to sidetrack Jake from his appointment with destiny. And even though he briefly finds himself in the godforsaken town of Derry, Maine (the cursed setting for It, if you recall), 11/23/63 is pretty much a non-supernatural, barely sci-fi edge-of-your seat thriller.

Can it be a movie?
Can it be stopped? The word is that director Jonathan Demme (director of Silence of the Lambs, Philadelphia, Beloved) was going to turn 11/23/63 into a movie, to which I say: It's not too late to walk away, JD. Sure, there's romance and time travel, and Lee Harvey Oswald would get some juicy screen time, but the book is actually pretty subtle for a historical suspense yarn. Jake has no confidants in his quest, so all his plotting is done via internal monologue. And all those times where the obdurate past throws up roadblocks? Yeah, at best it'll look like Final Destination. At worst, it'll resemble plain old bad luck. If you are reading this in the future, and you are Jonathan Demme, and you've already made this book into an awesome movie, good on you. Sorry I was/am so pessimistic about the possibilities. If I could go back and change it, I would. Except I could have, but I didn't, so I guess I stand by it. The reviewer is obdurate.

Whoops. Stephen King accidentally wrote a resilient, hopeful, feel-good story that leaves us thinking the world's not so awful after all. But it's not his fault. Following the Boston Red Sox during the 2004 season should have been an exercise in self-flagellation, a diary of the damned for Beantown boosters King and co-author Stewart O'Nan. The franchise had spent almost a century as Major League Baseball's most loveable sadsack franchise, a team... of cursed, bad luck losers who could only be counted on to come up short when it mattered most. Then, under the daily scrutiny of our narrating diehards, the Sox somehow went and won it all in dramatic fashion — defeating the evil empire (aka the Yankees) in the greatest comeback in the history of the game along the way. But, you know, that's okay. Seeing these longtime foul-weather fanboys finally find joy is a singularly infectious experience. Congrats, dudes.

Can it be a movie?
For old-school fans of the game — the ones who believe in pre-Moneyball hokum like "heart" and "guts" and "clutch" — this is a guaranteed winner. But it would probably come up short at the box office. Pardon the expression, but Faithful is way too inside-baseball for a mass audience. There's plenty of drama, sure, but lots more stats and lingo and Google-requiring names from bygone days. Plus, it's essentially a book-length conversation between two guys. If Richard Linklater or Wallace Shawn want to give it a shot, cool. Otherwise, Hollywood should steer clear. You listening, Demme?

Goal: Get thin; eat cheese. 'Tis the season for contemplating the size of your belly and the extra chin you've acquired over the past year. Clearly it's time to change your eating habits, but according to Veuve Cliquot CEO Mireille Giuliano, there's absolutely no need to go cold turkey on wine and cheese and chocolate mousse. Just do what French femmes have been doing for ages: Take pleasure in eating. Savor a... good hearty meal. But don't eat heavy all the time. And get some exercise! French Women Don't Get Fat proffers the refreshing message that food should be enjoyable and satisfying, not a source of guilt or obsession or angst. Rather than depriving yourself, take the ultimate anti-diet approach: eat rich yummy food, but in moderation. You'll be looking tres chic in no time.

Goal: Clean out your closet. Literally. When you’re besieged by physical clutter, it’s no surprise that your mind can also become overwhelmed. How can you possibly accomplish anything if you're constantly surrounded by stuff? Peter Walsh is a professional organizer and sometime Oprah guest who has seen how the possession of too many material objects can suffocate you emotionally. In It’s All Too Much, Walsh first explains the psychology behind the impulse... to hoard, and then he maps out ways to de-clutter your home—and your life—one room at a time. So recycle that pile of magazines that you’ll never get around to reading. Donate your old clothes to charity. And remember: an organized closet could very well be the first step to an organized life.

Goal: Finish up that screenplay. If you wanna catch a big fish, you've gotta go deep. So says cult filmmaker David Lynch. A devoted practitioner of transcendental meditation, Lynch believes that his best ideas come to him when he ventures beyond the shallow edges of his mind and delves into the depths of his consciousness. Now, before you run off in the other direction, let’s acknowledge that intense meditation may not be... for everyone. But listen to Lynch illuminate his artistic process as he narrates Catching the Big Fish, and chances are you’ll start to feel your own creative juices flowing. From completing that unfinished screenplay that’s been languishing in your desk drawer to writing that perfect novel or song, or even dreaming up a slightly more interesting business presentation, Lynch’s lessons are sure to provide a rousing dose of inspiration for all of your creative endeavors.

Goal: Don’t let your jerky co-worker ruin your day.
You can’t avoid them. They’re everywhere! Each and every office seems to have at least a few employees who bring down the morale of the entire company with their goonish behavior. They’re bullies, meanies, or — as Stanford University management professor Mark Sutton refers to them in his boldly titled book — they’re assholes. In The No Asshole Rule Sutton details just how destructive... these brutes can be, in terms of quality of life for individual workers and for business productivity in general. If you’re lucky enough to be the big boss at work, you can follow Sutton’s advice and simply get rid of the offending parties. For everyone else, Sutton offers strategies for coping with your most difficult co-workers. With a bit of emotional detachment and a positive-but-realistic attitude about the office butthead, maybe Monday mornings won’t seem quite so dreary.

Goal: Move on. By now you know the drill: If he doesn't call, if he's not asking you out, if he's got a girlfriend, then he's just not that into you. Harsh, no? What woman ever wants to hear those six nasty little words of tough love? So mean! So smug! But perhaps the takeaway message from the 2004 bestselling relationship bible has more to do with how great you are and... less to do with how much he sucks. According to authors Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, you're too wonderful to be wasting your time on someone who doesn't realize how lucky he is to have you. Don't let your fabulousness be encumbered by some guy. You’re way too good for that. Who knows? There just might be a life-affirming grain of truth to that ubiquitous, obnoxious little catch phrase.

Goal: Get stuff done. Now that you've mapped out some reasonably attainable resolutions, it’s time to actually get out there and put your plans into action. And hey, don’t let Guitar Hero or the siren call of the Internet get in your way — procrastination is your enemy! Neil Fiore believes that procrastination stems from your natural inclination to avoid being boxed in. Too much structure kinda freaks you out. In The... Now Habit, Fiore explains how a properly devised schedule (he calls it an “unschedule,” actually) can incorporate goofing off time into your regular daily routine. Quality, not quantity, is the key to getting work done, and you’ll be way more productive when it counts if you can also indulge in some periodic guilt-free fun. So pencil a little TV time in with your higher priority tasks, and perhaps 2009 will be the year that you get stuff done!

The first volume in Burdett's quartet about municipal detective Sonchai Jitpleecheep is a trippy, tragi-comic ride, as chilly and caffeinated as a Thai iced tea. Sonchai is a mess of contradictions: a half-farang (white) devout Buddhist who was raised by a prostitute mother; the only honest cop left in Bangkok, and yet still very much in the thrall of his crooked boss; a stoner with a precise eye for detail. Burdett takes... full advantage of his tropical, gritty setting. Sonchai's meals, motorbike rides and hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold pals are so richly and wittily written that by the time our hero's solved his crime you'll feel as if you've spent a lost weekend in the Far East.

McCall Smith's novels have become something of a cottage industry (there are 10 available on eMusic), complete with an HBO show starring Jill Scott as Precious Ramotswe, the series' crime-busting heroine. The only female private detective in Botswana, Ramotswe is both proud and precise. Not content to merely solve crimes, she also must restore the honor of clients. Though sometimes the writing can tread a fine line between folksy and hokey, Ramotswe... is an everywoman with spirit and common sense. Less bloody than the other books on our list, No. 1 Ladies Detective Agency would also be fun for a family road trip.

For those of us who have followed Kurt Wallander, Sweden's most morosely optimistic detective, from the start of his career as an intrigue-busting, assassin hunting, slightly alcoholic mid-size town detective, the final novel in the series is a fitting sendoff. Wallander is now a loving grandfather with a dog and house in the country. However, just as he seems to find his own Ingmar Bergman-esque version of peace (depressive, but the summers... are beautiful), his new son-in-law's father disappears. Of course, Wallander must search for the titular troubled man. As he does, he discovers perhaps his own life will not end so peacefully after all.

Dublin is one of the great literary cities, so it is surprising that relatively few mystery writers have chosen it as their setting. But the city's famed class conflicts, labyrinthine streets and verdant vegetation make the perfect backdrop for crime. The Likeness' plot is surreal: Detective Cassie Maddox happens to look exactly like the victim Detective Rob Ryan is investigating. Worse yet, the former friends have been estranged since they solved a... brutal child murder (the subject of French's first novel, Into the Woods). As Cassie goes undercover as the dead girl, Rob must confront his habit of isolating the women he cares about most. Both characters are Wire-style urban officers, but The Likeness reads more like literary fiction than a straight up police procedural.

It's hard to decide what's more fun in Some Lie and Some Die, Ruth Rendell's 1973 tale of murder at a British rock festival: Inspector Reginald Wexford's overwrought suspicion of hippies, or the strangely charismatic flower child singer Zeno's power over his fellow counterculture-ites. When the body of a brutally murdered young woman turns up on the outskirts of the festival site, a generational clash ensues. Who is to blame for this... crime? The scary hippies, or the squares whose carefully trimmed shrubbery hides all sorts of nasty secrets? Wexford is the quintessential British country detective: irascible, fond of a pint with lunch, gardening, and his wife's shepherd's pie. There have been 23 Wexford novels so far, and Rendell shows no sign of slowing down.

Twelve-year-old Harriet Dufresnes is about to have an intense summer. Obsessed with her brother's unsolved murder (she was an infant when he died), Harriet decides to find his killer. Tartt's setting is small-town Mississippi in the 1970s, in a big old house filled with Harriet's maternal aunts and grandmother. As Harriet's search intensifies, The Little Friend's plot darkens and twists. By the end of the novel, it's hard to decide if Tartt... has written a straight up Southern gothic, potboiler mystery, or a demented takeoff on To Kill A Mockingbird. Amazingly, it works as all three.

Record producer and session musician turned neuropsychologist Daniel Levitin creates a provocative taxonomy of vocal music that sorts songs into six categories: friendship, joy, comfort, knowledge, religion and love. Mixing neurology and evolutionary theory with interviews with such musical pals as Sting and Rodney Crowell, Levitin intertwines science, history and criticism, attempting a master theory of the function music has played in the advancement of human civilization, and in keeping us alive... and sane on a day-to-day basis. Work songs, like those sung on American chain gangs, promote community and bolster tired spirits; religious songs passed on the traditions of faith long before the advent of written language. Social advancements have eliminated the need for certain types of songs (although we still use a knowledge song to learn our ABCs), but Levitin demonstrates through his own stories and those of others the way that music still holds out fragile world together.

While he may have some competition for the title of Fifth Beatle, few individuals can more justly claim to have made their mark on the band's music than Geoff Emerick, who served as the recording engineer for Revolver, Sgt. Pepper's, The White Album and Abbey Road. Even before he was manning the board, Emerick was a junior employee at EMI's studios, and his memories stretch back to the band's earliest singles, although... he skips over eras, like the acrimonious recording of Let It Be, he wasn't personally involved in. Emerick's close friendship with Paul McCartney, whom he casts as the group's undisputed leader, openly colors his recollections: He paints John Lennon as a vague conceptualist with little idea how to realize his own vague notions (he wanted his vocal on "Tomorrow Never Knows" to sound like "the Dalai Lama shouting from mountaintop"), and George Harrison as a fumbling guitarist who had to struggle mightily to lay down a simple solo. (Don't even get him started on Yoko.) But the book is crammed with lively and fascinating anecdotes which make it possible to hear some of the most familiar songs in musical history with a fresh set of ears.

The high priest of Gen-X navel gazing, Chuck Klosterman proudly elevates his personal obsessions to the level of cultural studies. From Saved by the Bell to the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee sex tape, Klosterman finds ways into the dark, sticky heart of American popular culture, its arteries clogged with mindlessly consumed junk and free-floating detritus. In one of the book's signature essays, Klosterman mounts an enthusiastic defense of a Guns 'n' Roses tribute... band: better an imitation of greatness than mediocre originality. Detractors will find it hopelessly self-indulgent, and the sensitive of ear may shy away from Klosterman's nasal speaking voice, but those with a taste for pop-culture excess will dive right in.

Eric Clapton's soup-to-nuts autobiography is a solid, sober (in both senses of the word) look back at his journey from rural England to quasi-deification. Clapton's functional, unfussy prose moves steadily through his life, devoting as much detail to his nights in the pub as his brushes with greatness. The details can be a bit random, like this bombshell about his early childhood: "I loved pies." Luckily, reader Bill Nighy supplies the enthusiasm... that Clapton left out, leaning into every emphasis as if his life depended on it. With Nighy leading the way, the facts of Clapton's life are gripping, especially his long-standing struggle with alcoholism and the tragic death of his son, recounted in a factual but hardly dispassionate style. (Oh, and then there's that whole thing about him writing "Layla" to steal George Harrison's wife.) A few myths die ugly deaths along the way; if you've ever slow-danced to "Wonderful Tonight," it may hurt to find that it was inspired by Clapton's irritation that his wife was taking too long to dress for dinner. The abridged version omits any mention of Clapton's legendary guitar solo on "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," but does include Clapton's first impression of the Beatles as "a bunch of wankers."

Even if you only knew Renee Crist as the byline on the sharpest capsules in the back of Option magazine, her death, at age 31, came as a punch in the gut. In Love Is a Mix Tape, Rob Sheffield, who married Crist in 1991 and buried her in 1997, thinks back on their joyous, tumultuous and tragically truncated relationship through their mutual love of music. A staff writer for Rolling Stone... and frequent VH1 talking head, Sheffield pays heartfelt tribute to a woman he loved. His voice brightens as he bullet-points the subjects of their recurring marital spats, and its pitch drops noticeably as he recounts the shell-shocked months after her death, when he spent his days reading in an Applebee's so he could be sure not to run into any of their friends. In its headiest passages, Mix Tape is an inspired fusion of criticism and autobiography, as when Sheffield rereads Nirvana's In Utero not as a preemptive suicide note, but as the testament of a young husband awed and somewhat terrified by his all-consuming love for his wife. Sheffield might have borrowed a title from Cobain's widow for his strangely inspiring account of his own ordeal: Live Through This.

The visuals in Ken Burns' talking-head documentaries are almost redundant, so the audio reduction of his 19-hour PBS series feels surprisingly complete. The lack of song excerpts is unfortunate (no doubt you'll want to add the soundtrack to your iPod as well), but LeVar Burton's energetic reading brings characters from Buddy Bolden to Wynton Marsalis alive and conveys a giddy, wide-eyed enthusiasm for the birth of an American art form. Although there's... plenty of space devoted to the music, Burns and Ward are equally attentive to the social and historical conditions that produced it, particularly the prodigious mixture of races, cultures and classes that gathered in New Orleans around the turn of the 20th century. Deftly interweaving the stories of seminal figures like Louis Armstrong, Jelly Roll Morton and Bix Beiderbecke, Jazz is a wonderful introduction for the uninitiated, and helps even aficionados fill in valuable missing pieces.

If your last experience with the Bronte sisters was snoozing through high school English class, you are in for a major surprise. Emily Bronte’s legend of the doomed love between lonely teenagers Catherine and Heathcliff makes the protagonists of Twilight look well-adjusted. This 1847 novel is not only one of the greatest creepy reads of all time, it’s also a brilliant reality check. Even your worst love affair wasn’t this messed up.... Told from multiple points of view, and alternating between flashback, letters and present-day first person point of view, Wuthering Heights’ narrative form is practically post-modern. So not only did Bronte emphasize "goth" in the gothic, her work has influenced contemporary writers from Margaret Atwood to the authoress of the aforementioned little-known blood-sucker series.

I first picked this one up in an airport bookstore, deep into Big Love withdrawal (and, yes, I know the show is not representative of the current state of the world’s fastest growing religion, but who can resist the power of Chloe Sevigny’s long braid?). In David Ebershoff’s multi-narrated novel, the author contrasts the life of Anne Eliza Young, estranged wife of Mormon leader Brigham Young, with that of Jordan Scott, a... runaway teen from a contemporary polygamous compound, and Kelly Dee, a LDS feminist grad student determined to unearth the "truth" about her prophet. While 19th Wife may not be as guilty a pleasure as HBO, it’s an equally convincing deterrent to checking the "Open Relationship" option on Facebook. Plus, there’s all that important history and stuff.

Every few years, I go on a Tales of the City binge, rereading all six volumes in one glorious swoop, immersing myself in the lives and loves of such unforgettable and hilarious characters as goodie-two-shoes Mary Anne Singleton, out-and-proud Michael Tolliver, and Anna Madrigal — Russian Hill’s grooviest landlady. The series is both a deliciously non-guilty pleasure, and also sobering reminder. We all need friends as much as we do lovers, and... no matter what we do to try to stave off changes, our lives never stand still.

Maupin began writing Tales as a serialized column in the San Francisco Chronicle in 1976. It was the perfect time and place for such a project. The city by the bay was the center of a huge cultural shift: the gay rights movement, the waning days of the hippies, clashes between high society and Berkeley radicals and a range of lurid scandals and strange occurrences, from Patty Hearst’s kidnapping to the Jonestown massacre. The author’s incomparably sharp eye and equally sharp wit — and his sympathy for all manner of lost souls — makes this one of the most cheering books ever written. As this version is abridged, consider it a pitch to join of the best cults ever. Your Kool-Aid is ready.

Our protagonist narrator, Kathy, is a young woman in an alternate-reality present-day United Kingdom. Most of the book takes place in flashback, as Kathy reflects on her life thus far, and especially her years at a rural orphanage/boarding school. While Never Let Me Go may sound like an almost too-typical coming of age story, it’s not — nor is it remotely a conventional romance. Instead, this stark piece of speculative fiction examines... what it means to be human. It’s difficult to explain more without ruining the genuinely strange futuristic story line. Suffice to say that the answer is, as the gushiest songs always say, love, love, love.

The classic pulp novel from the writer who invented noir. Cain’s thriller about an adulterous romance between drifter Frank and short-order waitress Cora epitomizes post-war California’s unexpected freedoms — and their consequences. Of course, the lovers’ passion is too hot not to cool, especially once Cora’s husband, Nick, is out of the way. At first, it may seem like miscasting that Stanley Tucci, one of the seemingly nicest guy actors in the... biz, as the reader of such dark material. Yet, his clipped and sympathetic voice turns out to be a perfect match for Cain’s prose. Frank on Cora: "She got up to get the potatoes. Her dress fell open for a second, so I could see her leg. When she gave me the potatoes, I couldn’t eat." Take that, Hallmark.

You think your most recent ex was full of herself? She’s got nothing on the exquisite Master Gray, the most malevolent narcissist ever committed to paper. Even after many re-readings, I always forget just how wonderfully repulsive and irresistible this slim volume is. But the story of a man who stays forever young, even as his painted likeness grows hideously decrepit, is also tragic, especially when viewed through the lens of the... author’s own life. I always wonder what Oscar Wilde’s feelings would be to learn that this novel is his most famous legacy — after his own heart-breaking biography. No doubt, he’d have a beautiful and brilliant quip at the ready, which would be its own tragedy, of sorts.

The first in Sue Grafton's long-running alphabetically titled detective series, A is for Alibi sets up some of the winning elements that have made her mysteries so popular. There's Kinsey Milhone, an admirably ballsy private investigator and former cop with a solitary life and a troubled romantic past. There's a picturesque setting, the quiet, elite town of Santa Theresa (a.k.a. Santa Barbara), in which everyone knows everyone else's secrets. And there's a... murder case — the poisoning of Laurence Fife, a prominent philandering lawyer — but a cold trail (it's been eight years since his wife Nikki was wrongly accused and jailed). At the behest of Nikki, now out on parole, Kinsey delves deeper into the case, and she finds a second unsolved murder with similar characteristics. Beyond that is a web of intriguingly interlinked characters, including a Las Vegas card shark, a handful of spurned lovers, a pothead brick-layer, Laurence's impossibly charming partner Charlie and his elegant dog-grooming ex-wife Gwen. As Kinsey begins to uncover the clues and connections, she finds herself more deeply entangled than she'd ever expected. Grafton's flair for dialogue, memorable characters and her ability to let readers in on the mystery-solving action make A is for Alibi a classic in the genre.

Like Sue Grafton's Kinsey Milhone, Janet Evanovich's Stephanie Plum is a heroine whose destiny is to star in a high-profile series of mystery books — now well into the double digits. But the hapless Plum is anything but a professional, and she lives in the decidedly non-elite city of Trenton, New Jersey. Unemployed and in major debt after being laid off from the local lingerie factory, she decides to take a job... with her cousin Vinnie's bail bonding office. Her first assignment: to find and capture Joe Morelli — the guy who popped her cherry on the floor of a cannoli bakery; also the guy she happened to later slam with her car when she "accidentally" lost control of it. Now a vice cop, Morelli has been implicated on a murder charge. With the promise of $10,000 and a few lessons in criminal nabbing from her colleague Ranger spurring her on, Plum sets out on her bounty-hunting mission. A cartoon-like chase with Morelli ensues, with brief interludes for car theft and stuffed cabbage dinners at Plum's parents' house. As Stephanie investigates further, she encounters a sociopathic boxer named Benito Ramirez and he promptly begins harassing her, making the dangers of her new job seem all too real. Evanovich's storytelling cruises on comic energy and halts for tense, fearful revelations. As the determined Stephanie pushes on, this well-crafted novel delivers major bangs for the bucks.

The epitome of the contemporary thriller, Michael Connelly's 20th book is set in a failing newsroom of The Los Angeles Times, circa 2009, where protagonist Jack McEvoy, a weathered crime reporter, is given his pink slip. Determined to write a Pulitzer-worthy story as revenge on his coldhearted employers, he decides to investigate the grisly murder of a woman whose body was stuffed into a car trunk, recently pinned on Alonzo Winslow, a... teenage gang member. McEvoy envisions a story that will reveal the relationship between class and crime, recreating how an unsympathetic environment could nurture a killer's impulses. Since he's been asked to train the young reporter who will be replacing him, he enlists her help on the story. An unwitting Google search plunges the two of them into a cyber trap set by the real killer, a sophisticated internet technician based hundreds of miles away. At the same time, Jack reviews police transcripts of Winslow's "confession," and realizes that he has never truly confessed to the crime. Meanwhile, another murder with an identical blueprint has sent an innocent man to jail in Las Vegas. As Jack connects the dots, he's being closely watched and his cunning opponent is always several steps ahead of him. Connelly's seamless transition between the minds of McEvoy and the murderer make for a gripping and fully believable voyage toward The Scarecrow's inevitable conclusion.

Dr. Kay Scarpetta is a chief medical examiner and a loner with a knack for zeroing in on criminal behavior but not much luck in the personal affairs department. When she's brought in to consult with the FBI on the murder investigation of an 11-year-old in North Carolina, she initially believes the killing is the work of Temple Gault, a serial murderer who has recently escaped from prison — and whose victims... she has examined before. Naturally, though, things are always more complicated than they seem, and Kay's suspicions grow when the local police chief is found hung — an ostensible case of autoerotic asphyxiation. Kay's beloved niece Lucy, interning at FBI's headquarters at Quantico, becomes embroiled in the intrigue when a romantic relationship with a coworker goes awry. Kay ultimately finds her answers at a decay research facility at the University of Tennessee, a.k.a. The Body Farm — a fascinating and gory detail culled from Cornwell's own experience as a forensic scientist. The Body Farm is full of ambiguous characters, obscure motives and enough shadowy suspense to make the titular facility seem like a benign refuge from the killer(s) at large.

Widowed forensic psychologist and homicide detective Alex Cross is busy trying to solve the brutal murders of an African-American family in Washington D.C.'s Southeast neighborhood when serial killer Gary Soneji kidnaps two children — the daughter of a film actress and the son of the Secretary of the Treasury Department — from a posh private school. The chief of police insists Cross and his partner, Sampson, take up the case. Cross, who... identifies more readily with the victims in Southeast, reluctantly agrees to take on the kidnapping and joins the increasingly frantic hunt for the missing children. The more he closes in on Gary Soneji, the less he knows about this mysterious and sinister character who seems to taunt the police by anticipating their every turn. At the same time, Cross finds himself in the clutches of a new love affair with Secret Service agent Jezzie Flanagan — a romance that serves as a nice distraction from the gruesome tasks of his job and allows him to move on emotionally after his wife's murder a few years back. Bodies pile up as Patterson's increasingly complicated plotline twists and turns, but Cross's curiosity about the human mind drives the story and his search for the truth further.

The third in a series of political thrillers starring CIA counterterrorism agent Mitch Rapp, Separation of Power begins as the CIA welcomes a new director, Irene Kennedy. Though she has the confidence and blessings of President Hayes, Kennedy's the target for many dissatisfied figures in Washington, including Senator Hank Clark, who would like to see her fail — or worse. Rapp, meanwhile, gets unwittingly drawn into the fray on a trip to... Italy when a former lover and accomplice, Donatella Rahn, is shot. Rapp begins to trace her would-be assassins and finds connections with Israel and the CIA. Kennedy, meanwhile, is fighting for her political life as she uncovers intelligence from the Israelis linking Saddam Hussein to nuclear weapons stored in a Baghdad hospital. Rapp is brought in to help the military stage an intervention, help Kennedy keep her job and serve up swift justice to the corrupt power dealers behind the scenes who have their next target stuck on his back. Flynn's conservative politics are on display as his hawkish characters seek to end terrorism at all costs but he paints a credible portrait of back-room dealings and ego trips gone psychotic in this complex, intricately plotted spy story.

Released in conjunction with the bicentennial of Charles Darwin's birth and the 150th anniversary of the publication of On the Origin of the Species, The Greatest Show on Earth is Dawkins' most recent lesson in anti-creationism. Taking as his starting point the notion that scientists around the world have accepted evolution as indisputable fact, Dawkins goes on to lay out the evidence, including how all animals have evolved from one another, how... animals collaborate in the evolutionary selective breeding process, how radioactive decay clocks and carbon dating can trace the lifespan of earth and how humans need only look to their own developmental process or some quickly evolving species such as Croatian lizards and Trinidadian guppies to see evolution in action. The stakes for proving evolution weigh heavily on Dawkins, who sees creationism as an absurdly misguided fantasy and a potential threat to an enlightened, scientifically informed society — not to mention an insultingly narrow vision because it fails to account for the amazing and complicated process of change at work around us every day. Thankfully for the reader, Dawkins counterbalances his dense scientific evidence with humorous asides, all the while delivering a holy smackdown to intelligent design.

Sharp-tongued, pithy and devilishly eloquent, Harris' missive — a response to hate mail he received from believers after his 2004 book The End of Faith — addresses his Christian critics directly, namely the 53 percent of Americans who consider themselves to be creationists. Letter was written out of Harris' fear for the future of a civilization that bases its decisions on the words of a single, outdated book of dubious origin. In... this slim volume, Harris systematically examines how morality has been severed from religion, and the ways that religion has justified certifiably immoral behaviors. One of his central tenets is that atheism need not identify itself as a distinct worldview, as one does not refer to "non-astrologists," but that, in its reverence for belief, the world has grown dangerously apologetic for those that simply see no reason to trust in an omnipotent being.

In some sense Harris saves most of his wrath for the liberal and moderate Christians whose vague, wishy-washy notions of faith give them a vague, wishy-washy understanding of God — finding the almighty, for instance, in the good works of humans who helped one another during the tsunami of 2004, but dismissing the natural disaster that killed hundreds of thousands of people as just another divine mystery. Why not credit ourselves for the goodness, Harris argues, and leave God out of it? It's a pretty sound argument, and one that, like Harris' book, is not easily dismissed.

If there's one line from this searing and witty polemic that sums up Hitchen's true feelings about religion, it is this: "God did not create man in his own image. Evidently it was the other way about, which is the painless explanation for the profusion of gods and religions, and fratricide both between and among faiths, that we see all about us and that has so retarded the development of civilization." In... his view, all religions are based on wishful thinking, provide a false narrative of creation and encourage sexual repression, solipsism and servility. Hitchens breaks down, by chapter, why all religions — including Hinduism and Buddhism — are equally dangerous, working from the fallacies of their sacred texts on out to the global conflicts that have been waged in the name of divine superiority. A onetime newspaper correspondent, Hitchens has seen these conflicts on the ground; as a child he was schooled in scripture and knew from an early age that his most pressing questions about God would go unanswered. These personal examples lend his writing greater heft, though all of this must be swallowed with a strong dose of Hitchens' vitriol and hyperbole.

In this debut novel, a central event has set off a chain reaction that echoes outward into a series of linked stories. God comes to earth, disguised as a young Dinka woman, in order to apologize to the Sudanese for his own impotence to help them. This young Dinka woman is promptly gunned down and her body is eaten by dogs who start speaking Aramaic and are worshipped by the Africans. When... the news of God's murder breaks out around the world, chaos ensues. Priests kill themselves and rootless teenagers with no future throw a suicide party. A young man joins with the military to fight in the apocalyptic war between the Evolutionary Psychologist Forces and the Postmodern Anthropologist Marines. Currie dips between the macro images of a post apocalyptic world and the micro moments of individual characters, trying to survive and find some redemption. But there's not much to be found. What is most disturbing about Currie's godless world is not so much its occasional flashes of humor but its familiarity to our own. And though God is killed off in the first few pages, this book actually makes a good case for why we've kept him alive for so very long.

Burroughs, who's milked his childhood with neglectful parents and his subsequent alcoholic young adulthood for a series of gleefully mean-spirited memoirs, returns to similar territory for this Christmas-themed collection of stories. Exhibit A: See Burroughs' parents boozing it up in the kitchen while he ingests the plastic appendages off of a toy Santa and winds up in the emergency room getting his stomach pumped. Though he has no illusions about God (as... a child he regularly confuses Jesus and Santa), Burroughs continues to believe in the fantasy of Christmas, each year looking for the joy and peace that seem to elude him. Burroughs' holiday nightmares seem to reach a perverse peak at age 26, when he wakes up after a bender in a strange hotel room beside a naked, hirsute older man, only to find a plush Santa suit rumpled on the floor. He does, as literary creators are wont to do, find some redemption in sober adulthood, discovering the true meaning of the holiday with a supportive and caring partner by his side. It's a Christmas tale for the ages. Whether or not Burroughs' personal spin on it will pique any sympathy from readers is another matter.

An agnostic Esquire writer with a penchant for extreme immersion journalism, Jacobs elected to follow the Bible's good words for a full year as a follow-up to his stunt book The Know-It-All (in which he read the Encyclopedia Britannica from beginning to end). What follows is a roundup of some of the Bible's best and worst injunctions. So while Jacobs learns to treat people with greater respect and cuts back on his... lying, he also avoids his wife during her period, starts honking on a shofar and eats insects. In the meantime, his wife attempts to help him "be fruitful and multiply" while, presumably, trying to explain to others why Jacobs is wandering around New York in a cloak with a ZZ Top beard. Jacobs comes away from the experience far more knowledgeable about Judeo-Christian values and he even cops to taking some of them to heart in his post-biblical life. The most valuable parts of his account, however, are actually the facts he uncovers about modern-day fundamentalists, from visits to Jerry Falwell's megachurch and a snake-handler prayer meeting to his research on the modern-day quest among American and Israeli cattle ranchers to breed a red heifer in order to become "spiritually clean." Ultimately these investigative segments tell the reader much more about the Bible's literalists than Jacob's own year of play-acting.

There is a huge contingent of people who miss Sex and the City bad — enough to warrant multiple reruns in syndication every day. For those who can't get enough of gaggles of New York friends brunching and tossing bon mots and eyerolling and crying over men and slutting around — all with perfect eyebrows, outfits and Manhattan apartments, Chasing Harry Winston will slake your thirst. There's a character in... it for every gal: the new fiancée with the huge diamond and doubts about her "perfect relationship," the serial monogamist who sets out to sleep around and of course, the Samantha-type who, on a joke and a whim, decides to try settling down. There's obviously an audience for cosmopolitan New York ensemble pieces, and for those who never get enough flirtinis and sassy gay friends, this book will fit like a $700 shoe.

A guilty pleasure at its guiltiest. Hot off the trail of writing the juicy tell-all "Video Vixen," Karrine Steffans decided to re-mine the territory that made her infamous, although the results are not quite as full of fireworks as her first book. There's a healthy amount of celebrity dish to enjoy, such as her inscrutable connection with Bobby Brown, her relationship with Bill Maher, her exploits with Mike Tyson and issues with... Tyra Banks. However, Steffans also has words of wisdom about the long and winding road that took her from video-ho to video-ho-with-a-book. Some of Steffans' most sincere moments are her most unintentionally hilarious — like her declaration that "My biggest fault is that I'm a nurturer." She also gives thanks for "being so humble." It's a wonderful summer beach book, though, its content about as glossy and nutritious as a bottle of Banana Boat.

You'd think that after the years of "The Osbournes" and "Behind the Music" and "America's Got Talent," you'd have learned more than you'd ever need to know about Mrs. Ozzy Osbourne but, surprisingly, the rock wife and reality TV goddess led a colorful and fascinating life — even before she met the Prince of Darkness. The daughter of infamous music manager Don Arden, Osbourne grew up at once the daughter of... privilege and anger and violence. Coming of age a canny-but-shy, overweight girl surrounded by famous faces like Freddie Mercury and Jeff Lynne would be interesting enough, but Sharon famously went on to marry Black Sabbath frontman Ozzy Osbourne. She survived a tempestuous, often dangerous early relationship before settling down to the (relatively) more mild-mannered version of marriage that we've seen on TV. Osbourne's story moves quickly and incorporates a charming mix of British aphorisms and scatology.

For those not interested in trends but, instead, how and why those trends get set, Little Pink Slips offers a look into the fraught and jaded world of women's magazine publishing. Magnolia Gold helms Lady magazine, a publication for women older than those who read Glamour but who don't want to necessarily describe themselves as "women of a certain age." Magnolia is suddenly knocked off her pedestal when brash television celebrity Bebe... Blake comes in and transforms Lady into the hacky Bebe. Koslow knows of which she writes: she was at the helm of McCall's and got shuffled to the side — and eventually out altogether — as Rosie O'Donnell transformed the magazine into the ill-fated Rosie. Pink Slips is like a Sex and the City for an older, wiser crowd sophisticated enough to know the high-end trends but classy enough not to be obsessed by them.

Hear the name "Joan Rivers," and you're sure to think "frank talk," the type that's catty, not helpful. But despite the obnoxious book title, Rivers' advice on navigating the silicone valley of plastic surgery is actually interesting and useful. Rivers speaks with the authority of a woman who's had various forms of work done since she was in college. Her advice ranges from the serious (if doctors advise you, based on health... issues, not to undergo plastic surgery, then you should listen to them) to the common sense (if you don't like how a doctor's receptionist treats you on the phone, how do you think they'll treat you when you're a patient?) to the in-the-know (make friends with the nurses who might give you a topical numbing agent to put on in the waiting room before you get Botox). With snarky asides, Rivers is absolutely herself, and even for those not considering going under the knife (or the hose or the needle) it's a fascinating glimpse into the lives of the women who do.

Fairy Tales make great road trip soundtracks, perfect for around the time that the sun is setting on the horizon, Dad wants to drive on for a few hours and Mom would like the kids to relax a bit. Consider them bedtime stories by night and traveling tales by day — they work around the clock. This timeless collection includes "Puss in Boots," "Rumpelstiltskin," "The Frog Prince," "Cinderella and the Glass Slipper,"... "Jack and the Beanstalk," "The Wild Swans," and many other can’t-miss classics. There’s a reason these tales get passed down from generation to generation — they’re just that good. Brought to life on audio, they take on even more life and detail.

You remember Lemuel Gulliver, right? His travels to different lands on the quest for a little sanity may, in fact, be similar to the very trip you're taking. What I always liked about this book is that it's a first-person narrative — and a deadpan one at that. Because Gulliver narrates the adventures he encounters on his travels, you really feel as if you know him. I'd never realized just how much... Jonathan Swift's masterpiece reads like a splendid, funny monologue from the road. Swift raised the bar for satire to levels that seem lofty even today with his devastating jabs at life in England in the 1700s. This is a tale full of humor, parody and adventure — a wild ride that will also provide some hearty laughs.

I remember Treasure Island being read to me in school, and it's resonated with me ever since. The premise is deliciously simple: Jim Hawkins finds a treasure map in pirate Billy Bones' sea chest, which sets him off one of the greatest literary journeys of all time. To hear Long John Silver come to life in this terrific audiobook brings back many fond memories of why I love this story so much.... Do your kids like adventure? If so, this is truly one of literature's greatest escapes, full of wonderfully-crafted characters and mysterious, far-off lands.

Jules Verne practically invented Science Fiction, and his formidable skills are on full display in this classic adventure. As a kid, the film version of Journey changed my life — after I'd seen it, I couldn't wait to read the book. Listening to the audiobook is a new treat for any fan of this wonderful tale. When Professor Lidenbrock, his nephew Axel and their guide, Hans, take their titular journey, the listener... comes in contact with a myriad of colorful creatures and conflicts. Once they enter the earth through that volcano crater, an whole underground universe is revealed, one that's sure to hold interest. This story taps into the Indiana Jones in all of us.

Whether you’re on the road for eight or 80 days, this spectacular tale of the mysterious Phileas Fogg’s trip around the planet is one for the ages. It’s another Jules Verne classic, one that works either as a bookend to Journey to the Center of the Earth or simply alone on its own merits. Fogg is inspired to take his epic trip after reading an article that suggests it's possible to complete... a worldwide journey in just under three months. Wasting no time Fogg, along with his faithful valet Passepartout, embark on their wonderful trek — all the while being pursued by Mr. Fix, a hapless detective who thinks (wrongly) that Fogg robbed a bank. It’s hard to imagine a young mind that won't transfixed by this unique travelogue.

The concept of being stranded on a desert island is a popular premise for books, movies and TV, and we can probably thank Daniel Defoe for that. Desperation, loneliness, courage and ingenuity — they're all on full display in Defoe's timeless Robinson Crusoe, a colorful, adventurous shipwreck yarn perfect for all ages. Hopefully on your journey, you won't encounter the same calamities Crusoe encountered in his: sinking ships, angry oceans, hungry cannibals.... But let your mind drift across the sea as you cruise the highways and you just might feel like you're in the thick of it with him!

Bill Bryson is one of the funniest and most trenchant travel writers around. In this, one of his best efforts, he writes about what it was like to return to the United States with his family, after living in Britain for nearly 20 years. All of Bryson's books are great, but this one is especially enjoyable. After being abroad for so long, Bryson found himself totally unprepared for the many strange and... baffling advances in American culture. Microwave pancakes? 24-hour dental-floss hotlines? Hearing Bryson himself narrate his absurd experiences is an added bonus — he makes a terrific road companion.

Tom Robbins’ unforgettable screwball fairytale starring large-thumbed beauty Sissy Hankshaw may have started as a '70s cult fave, but these day's it's considered a pop culture cornerstone. In what could be considered a classic case of "making lemonade," Hankshaw decides to put her large thumbs to good use by becoming a hitchhiker; her colorful travels make up the bulk of the book's action. As influential as any other novels from Robbins' era,... Cowgirls invites the listener to commune with a parade of bizarre, eccentric characters — to look at life from some new (and odd) angles and to enjoy some of this generation’s most creative prose. I never get tired of reading this book — and because it's essentially about a long, strange trip, enjoying it while traveling couldn't be more appropriate.

I’m a huge Jon Krakauer fan, and hearing him read his breakthrough work is a true wonder. His voice resonates beautifully as he retraces the steps of his fellow climbers and him on their quest to tackle Everest. This is one of the ultimate adventure books, equally suited to a hiking trek or a slow drive up to the mountains to camp. The preparation, the climb and the calamity that ensues near... the summit are all brought to life via Krakauer’s powerful words. He drops you into the center of the mayhem; it’s an experience you won’t soon forget.

As a fan of The Daily Show, it was hard not to get excited when America came out a couple of years ago. I actually prefer the audio version to the print version, mostly because it affords the opportunity to hear Stephen Colbert read alongside Jon Stewart. Topics covered include: The Founding Fathers: Young, Gifted, and White; The President: King of Democracy; Running for Office: What Are You Thinking? and The Future... of Democracy: The Constitutional Robocracy and You! The satire is terrific — it feels as if there’s a great joke every few seconds. If you’re traveling cross-country, this title is a must. What goes better with America than America?

I know Anthony Bourdain is not for everyone, but I've always enjoyed his candor and bluntness when talking about what really happens at some of the best kitchens in the world. This audiobook is almost impossible to resist. Bourdain's narrative — and his attitude — is funny, outrageous and interesting. His storytelling, especially when discussing his drug use, reminds me of Kerouac in both its rhythm and its brutal forthrightness. Sure, it's... caustic in parts, but that's why we like the guy, right? His honesty is refreshing. One caveat: I'd keep young ears away — this is for adult road trips only.

I've played tennis almost my whole life. My teenage son is also a very strong player. I write about tennis, see as many tournaments as I can — I am basically a tennis freak. Naturally, I couldn't wait to experience Pete Sampras in his own words. In this book, Sampras serves up some amazing stuff: his history growing up, how he felt when first entering the tour. Especially enjoyable is the way... he puts you in the middle of his most legendary matches. Agassi, Becker — it's all in here and it's all good. Sampras set out to be the best, and he achieved that status. Whatever you want to accomplish in life, his story provides great lessons on how to achieve your goals.

Janet Fitch's harrowing bildungsroman offers not one, but four unfit mothers. When her bewitching, narcissistic mom is convicted of murdering a boyfriend, Astrid Magnusson is shuttled through a series of foster homes, each dysfunctional in its own way. One foster mother treats the 14-year-old Astrid as a sexual rival and takes extreme measures when her paranoia becomes manifest. Astrid is then taken in as a watchdog of sorts for a loving but... unbalanced actress. Though imprisoned, Astrid's mother Ingrid does her best to interfere with her daughter's happiness in any way possible, and when she tries to interfere with the bond Astrid has developed, the results are devastating. By contrast, living with a woman who doesn't want foster children but uses them as de facto employees is as good as it gets. Read movingly by Oprah Winfrey, White Oleander is an intense and mesmerizing meditation on the warped forms love sometimes assumes.

Novelist A.M. Homes was 31 when her biological mother, absent since her birth, decided to make contact. She sent word indirectly, through a lawyer, that she wouldn't object to hearing from Homes. Hesitantly, Homes initiated contact. Having imagined her mother glamorous and perfect, Homes was disappointed to discover a needy woman who believed, after three decades of absence, that the daughter she gave up should adopt her and take care of her.... She ambushed Homes at readings, traced Homes' address, and began planning a move to her city without Homes' invitation. She called, furious that Homes had not sent her a valentine, to suggest that Homes kill herself. Meanwhile, Homes' biological father — a married man with whom her mother had an affair — arranged clandestine meetings in hotels, stalled over whether to tell his real family and seemed at times more interested in reconnecting with his former mistress than his daughter.

The least the two could have given her was answers, but instead they gave her childish presents like lockets and sweaters. They're completely uncooperative when it comes to telling her their family histories, so she turns to libraries and genealogical websites to uncover her biological roots. In doing so, she begins to see her biological family line as an ancestral history that extends far beyond her parents, all the while realizing how her adoptive family's lineage has influenced her identity without the aid of genetics.

The bad mother in Neil Gaiman's children's fable isn't actually young Coraline's mother, but rather her "other mother." When Coraline enters an alternate dimension through a locked door in her flat, she meets her other mother, a paler, skinnier version of her own mother, with writhing Medusa hair. This other mother has filled Coraline's "other" room with fantastical living toys and stocked her closet with the bright clothing her real mother denies... her. Whereas Coraline's real parents feed her frozen entrees or exotic dishes she dislikes, her other mother makes a mean cheese omelet. The other mother's love for Coraline is real — she's constructed an entire world in order to trap her — but it's a nonspecific, acquisitive love that doesn't come close to the real thing. The selfish love might be tolerable in exchange for all she offers, but she's also got a nasty habit of stealing children's souls and locking them away for eternity. Sort of a dealbreaker. Gaiman is an immensely engaging reader, with distinct and evocative voices for all of his characters.

Nabokov was gifted when it came to portraying desperation subtly enough to elicit an uncomfortable mix of sympathy and contempt from his readers. Charlotte Haze — Humbert Humbert's landlady and, more importantly, Lolita's mother — is a fantastic example of a character you don't know whether to hug or slap. Oblivious and buffoonish, "the Haze woman" is an aspiring sophisticate who sees her daughter's predator as the embodiment of European elegance. Though... initially unaware of Humbert's dark motives for insinuating himself into her family, Charlotte nevertheless considers her daughter an impediment to seduction at best and an adversary at worst. Her self-consciousness is not mediated by self-awareness, and she dispatches Lolita to summer camp in order to be alone with Humbert, completely blind to his enormous distaste for her. Self-centered and hysterical up until her death, Charlotte Haze is the mother whose neglect made Lolita's story possible.

Frailty, thy name is Gertrude. At least, according to Hamlet, who modifies it to say "woman" in the actual play. Marrying your recently dead husband's brother is generally considered a faux pas, but marrying his murderer is really pushing it. Gertrude manages to do both. The prince of Denmark might not be renowned for his kind treatment of women (see: "Get thee to a nunnery"), but when it comes to Gertrude, his... ire's earned. There are many questions left unanswered as to whether Gertrude was an adulteress or complicit in her husband's murder, but even a generous evaluation of the queen paints an unflattering portrait. Gertrude's priority is her own security and status; at her best she's a weak and disloyal woman whose love for her son is not strong enough to protect him from her husband's wrath.

After separating from her alcoholic professor husband, Augusten Burroughs' mother Deirdre embarked on a journey of self-discovery. Under the care and encouragement of her particularly indulgent therapist, Dr. Finch, Deirdre began experimenting with her identity and sexuality, taking up first with a minister's wife and then with a fellow patient. Augusten was exposed to more intimate sexual details of his mother's life than most 13-year-olds could have withstood. At Dr. Finch's house,... where his mother deposited him upon realizing that her responsibilities as a mother were incompatible with her destiny as a famous poet, Augusten began a relationship with a man twenty years his senior, a match approved of by both his mother and Dr. Finch. Deirdre's narcissism was seemingly boundless, but it becomes clear as the book progresses that she is less of a woman in need of liberation and more of a seriously disturbed person in need of help. The accuracy of Burroughs' depictions of his mother and the Finches has been questioned and subjected to legal action, but purely as a character, Deirdre is a mother whose love you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.