Unstoppably, inevitably mean

If you’re a fan of Chelsea Handler you’ll probably dig this book, even though it was written not by her, but the funny people who know her personally. If you’re not a fan of Chelsea Handler, you might already know her personally. Because, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the popular E! talk show host is a menace, as the essays and anecdotes in this collection will attest. Take chapter one, for instance, wherein poor Chelsea Lately writer Johnny Kansas recounts his innumerable abuses at the hands of his tyrant boss. She steals his clothes, hides turkey meatballs in his new car, commits email fraud when he leaves his computer unattended, punishes him physically and mentally all day, every day. “Working for her is very much like working for a highly functioning, oversexed drunken chimpanzee.” And more victims — survivors, really — just line up from there, character witnesses half-trying to laugh it off but plainly looking for a higher authority to step in and stop this foul-mouthed harpy. Do not be swayed by her good looks and agile tongue; even she acknowledges her monstrousness. “I’m not proud of myself. I have made a career out of being a misanthrope with the maturity level of an eight-year-old who had to repeat the third grade several times,” she writes in the preface, throwing herself on the mercy of the court. “Am I pleased with myself? Sorta. But I am definitely not proud.” The grammar is infuriating, the tone is indulgent and unpolished, the fact-checker is D.O.A., and it’s funny only from a safe distance, but Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me is unstoppably, inventively mean. That’s why you watch her show and read her books. And it’s why you should never ever try to be her friend.