The eMusic Top 10: Rock, Rot or Rule?

Ronald Thomas Clontle is the author of Rock, Rot & Rule, a controversial music reference book that purports to be "the ultimate argument settler" when it comes to rating an artist's worth. In the book, the uncompromising Clontle ranks thousands of artists under the three headings listed in the book's title (rock = good, rot = bad, rule = great), based on various stringent criteria and extensive surveys. With the newly updated 2007 edition of Rock, Rot & Rule, Clontle introduces three new ways an artist can achieve that most coveted status, rulership: 1) the wearing of costumes, 2) having sentence-length album/song titles and 3) not actually playing rock music. While laymen may disagree with Clontle's unflinching evaluations, his opinions remain definitive.

Read on to find out how Clontle rates eMusic's ten best-selling artists for March, 2007.

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Tom Waits

I was pretty late coming around to the whiskey-voiced inventor of Weird Music for Normal People. But all it took was his Doritos commercial and cover of the Ramones' "I Don't Wanna Grow Up" to win me over. Be on the lookout for the Waits bio I'm writing. It's called Tom Waits for No One. But be warned: I'm in the process of copywriting this title and will not hesitate to take legal action against anyone using it.

VERDICT: RULES

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Of Montreal

As a youth I was frequently beaten up by a member of my junior high school track team for wearing a homemade Flock of Seagulls windbreaker. The success of these Flock-influenced costume-rockers (they wear everything from astronaut uniforms to bear suits) shows me that I was right all along*. And you, Sheila Larson, you were so very wrong.

*Extra points for actually having the word "sentence" in the title of their song, " A Sentence of Sorts in Kongsvinger."

VERDICT: ROCKS

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Bloc Party

I'm sorry, but it's impossible for me to listen to these English newcomers without hearing the indelible mark of post-punk founders the Cure. I'm afraid what we have here is just the latest example of a U.K. band appropriating the sound of one of America's best. This is one bloc party RTC will not be attending — and I don't care if they are serving hamburgers.

VERDICT: ROTS

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Yo La Tengo

This Mexican trio* has been making great music since the early '90s and shows no signs of stopping. However, yours truly's patience was severely tested by "Pass the Hatchet, I Think I'm Goodkind," the twelve-minute opening cut on YLT's new LP, I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Kick Your Ass. Also, be warned: the song "The Story of Jazz" on President Yo La Tengo is NOT a jazz song at all. Do NOT download this if you are expecting jazz. The song could not sound less like jazz.

*Extra points for having a band name that's a sentence. I believe Yo La Tengo is Spanish for "Yo, let's tango!"

VERDICT: ROCKS

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Arcade Fire

Like fellow Canadian dramatists Bachman-Turner Overdrive (whose 1973 hockey-rock concept album, The Haunted Zamboni, is long overdue for reissue), the Arcade Fire know exactly which of the listener's emotional buttons to push. Big ups to Echo and the Bunneymen's Ian McCullough, who appears on Neon Bible under the name "Win Butler."

VERDICT: RULES

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Neko Case

This talented songstress is such a workaholic one can practically hear the workahol dripping from the grooves of her CDs. A popular solo artist, Ms. Case also retains membership in the Vancouver-based anarchist collective, the New Pornographers. One caviar: Neko's country-rock stylings are a far cry from her work on the Velvet Underground's debut long-player.

VERDICT: RULES

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Deerhoof

I'm all for challenging music (and in case you want proof, note that I list the Flaming Lips as ruling in RR&R) but this field-mouse-on-helium noise is positively painful. These "deer" need to "hoof" it on back to the deepest pits of Hades... because that's where it sounds like they came from!

VERDICT: ROTS

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Cat Power

Though her personal struggles often overshadow her music, Chan Marshall is a top-shelf singer-songwriter. (People often compare her to Laura Nyro, who I've never heard). Call me a prude, but I don't think Chan (who, despite her name, is not actually Chinese) needs to traffic in blue fare with songs like "This Hole" and "Willie." Hey Chan, leave that stuff to porno rockers like W.A.S.P and Fountains of Wayne!

VERDICT: ROCKS

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Sufjan Stevens

Stevens is perhaps the best example of 2007-style ruling. His sentence-length song titles are unequaled and he often dons angel wings for performances. Stevens' music (think Vince Guaraldi meets a less-intense Cat Stevens), is proof that one can rule whilst kicking out nary a single jam.

VERDICT: RULES

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Johnny Cash

It's often forgotten that the Man Dressed in Black was the first country singer to tackle taboo subject matter. Look no further than "Sunday Morning Coming Down" — Cash's recounting of an acid trip that ends in a chainsaw murder. 1957's "Ballad of a Teenage Queen" is, as far as I know, the first song documenting the everyday trials and tribulations of a lowly transvestite. I'm looking forward to hearing what this national treasure serves up next.

VERDICT: N/A (But rest assured — Mr. Cash will be listed as ruling in my upcoming book, Country, Western and Rule.)